Skeleton in my Closet

We all have skeletons in our closets, whether they're secrets, addictions, affairs, or just a past that never quite seems to go away. Mine is Anorexia, an eating disorder that I've always managed to keep under control. I'm healthy today and quite capable of monitoring what I eat, but lets start at the beginning. 

I was always an average weight growing up. In fact, keeping the weight on could be difficult, so my eating problem didn't start off as a self-image issue. My problems were more psychological because of the way my father treated me. I often became the convenient whipping post for his outbursts of anger, insecurities, and god knows what else. And Growing up with an abusive father took it's toll. I'm not blaming my actions on how I grew up. I just wanted some control to my life. 

I became a gymnast at an early age to spend hours away from home doing what I loved. I was competitive and to be the best you had to look the best. That meant staying little. So I worked out more and started eating less. At first it really was to be in the best shape, even being so young. But by the time I turned 13 people started noticing I was looking pretty skinny. I was 5'6" and weighed 100 lbs. That was pretty good for being an athlete. I wasn't going for "being the thinnest." I wanted to be the best, and I was for awhile. But traveling got expensive for my family and I eventually quit practicing. That didn't stop me from keeping my shape though. I felt healthy and felt better the skinnier  I was. 

I didn't start taking things to the extreme until things started getting bad at home. I remember eating Sherbet one summer day and my dad telling me I was going to get fat. A girl like me shouldn't be eating sweets. It was fat free, but at that moment I felt like I couldn't eat ice cream anymore. I'd skip meals because I wasn't hungry or I'd just eat some fruit in the mornings for awhile. But I never felt like I had a problem until I started noticing I was getting tiny little hairs all over my body. Girls aren't supposed to be hairy, and I wasn't but it's just the little things I started noticing. I'd bruise easier and in high school I'd have teachers asked me if something was going on. A divorce was going on, and my life was out of control, but I was fine. "I am fine." I always told myself that. I was at 97 pounds and felt that was great, and my height just made me look thinner than I was. 

I was never hospitalized because I never let Anorexia get out of control. "Control" It's all about control and its different for everyone. I would just limit myself food because I thought people liked skinny people. Control. I wanted to be liked. Control. I wanted to look the best and that's exactly what I did. I controlled my world to survive emotionally.