Dying to be Thin

We are all silently screaming for something: attention, love, help, escape or forgiveness. We're dying to have people notice. Although we might be looking to fill different voids, we never ask for the things we need. We feel unworthy, that for some reason we don't deserve them. So, we play the game of guess what I need from you. You're inability to guess just feeds our feelings of worthlessness. We believe we are fat, useless, unworthy, unlovable, and weak. Controlling how much we eat is something that gives us power. So we do it in different ways, but always silently. We're dying to be thin and some of us do exactly just that, die. 


Realizing you have a problem is a funny thing. It wasn't until my best friend saw me changing clothes one day, that I realized I was maybe taking things a little too far. She could see every rib poking out through my skin and my spine could be seen a mile away I'm sure. "I never see see you eat anymore." I ate, I just had restricted so much I was really just never hungry anymore. She kinda freaked and thought I was way too skinny. I pretty much just blamed it on being depressed. I've always struggled with depression and I just don't eat when I'm upset. High school is a rough time I think. There's a lot going on and people are finding who they are and what they liked, and I liked being thin. Plain and simple, I liked being able to control something. But that leads to obsessing about perfection and this downward spiral of the more you tried to control things, the more things got out of hand.


I eventually worked through my issues with food. Getting down to 97 pounds wasn't that bad, but I stayed there for years. I was 16 and joined the tennis team. We had to log everything we ate or drank for our coach. Lunch was some pretzels and water or some peanut butter crackers. We were working out so much I was afraid that if I ate a lot I'd get sick, but I started getting into trouble for not eating "right." So most of the time I started making it up, just writing down what I saw other kids eating for lunch to keep her quiet. Working out bumped me up to 100 lbs, because everyone knows that muscle weighs more than fat! And held that weight through high school. 


It wasn't until I turned 18 that I started eating more. I had worked through most of my issues and felt that I can find control in my life in different ways, besides being Anorexic. I still yo yo around eating. I do and I don't but i eat when I'm hungry and feel like thats a lot of improvement. I'm perfect the way I am and don't need to try to be the best or look the best or be afraid that people won't like me if I'm not skinny. But it's still all about control.